Loveless
by Nova the Mad
Summary: So I apparently never submitted this here. But this is the prequel to "Fearless".


_I am but a simple boy__  
__Who knows not a single joy__  
__Until a Jew did show me light__  
__And held me lovingly in the night_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It all started when I turned ten. I was the second oldest, behind Stan, in our group. Kyle was the youngest, still nine. I was having a pretty crappy birthday so far.  
I woke up to no food, Cartman's cat pissed on me (no, I did **not** cheese), Stan punched me in the face (well that had a reason behind it), Kyle totally dissed me and I almost died... TWICE!  
This was why I was at Craig's house, listening to Owl City. Owl City calmed me down. I loved Adam Young to death.  
"Oh strawberry avalanche. Please crash over me," I sung out as I lay on Craig's bed, flipping through his iPod. "This is a world of dreams and reverie. Where I felt the stars explode around me." I felt Craig yank the ear buds out of my ears and I looked up at him questioningly.  
"Pizza's here, McCormick," he frowned as he paused 'Strawberry Avalanche' (not that there was much left of the song anyways).  
"You could smile once in a while dude," I say, grinning. My hood's down and my voice is actually audible and not muffled.  
Craig flips me off and continues to frown as we head down to grab a slice of the pizza.  
"Why aren't you hanging out with your other friends?" He asks as we settle ourselves in his living room.  
"They're assholes," I frown this time, my face contorted into a sour look.  
"I know that, but you usually still hang out with them. Why not today?" Craig's monotonous voice questions me.  
"It's my birthday-" The monotonous boy cuts me off.  
"So you're spending it here?" Craig looks at me skeptically.  
"Let me finish, god dammit," I glare at him and he nods for me to continue. "It's my birthday and it's going pretty crappy, Tucker. Cartman tried to get me to cheese, Stan punched me, and Kyle's being a dick and ignoring me. On top of it, I nearly died twice. Fuck. All I wanted was to-" Craig gives me a warning look and I shut up.  
"That does suck," he takes a bite of his cheese pizza and I take a bite of my meat lover's. Oh the sweet taste of meat lover's. Thankfully he doesn't comment on Stan punching me.

After we ate, we headed back toward his room. He played Halo 3 and I listened to more Owl City, particularly the songs "To the Sky" and "Strawberry Avalanche" were repeated to the max. This lasted until Craig lost his Halo tournament.  
"McCormick. You stayin' the night?"  
"I suppose so," I grin lazily and he throws a pillow at me. "Hey! What was that for?"  
"You sleep on the floor or the couch," he frowns.  
"Aww. You don't wanna cuddle?" I chuckled and he flips me off. He then proceeded to push me off the bed. I fell and on my face.

By the time I turned eleven I was starting to feel loveless. Unlovable. I mean my parents were drunks concerned with their first born, Kevin, and their last born, Karen. Being the middle child sucks. The middle child is always ignored.  
Stan's the youngest in his family, so he's babied and given attention and Kyle's the oldest in his family, so he's praised and looked up to. Stan is given the attention and Kyle is the role model. I'm not babied or praised. I'm just there.  
This is why I was by myself, sitting on the log in front of Stark's Pond. I was messing with a tiger lily and staring blankly at my reflection in the water.  
"Kenny?" I look up and behind me to see concern-filled green eyes and a green ushanka to match. I didn't have to answer in words, my eyes were watery. I may be a male, but I'm still a kid and I'm still a human. I do have emotions.  
"Kenny, what's wrong dude? I've never seen you cry," his voice was worried.  
"I'm not crying," I wipe haphazardly at my eyes. I was still a boy and I still had my pride.  
"Dude, don't lie. Are you okay?" I frown as he sits next to me on the log.  
"'M fine," I insist.  
"Cut the crap, Kenny. What's wrong with you?" He frowns and before I can protest he cuts me off. "And stop protecting your stupid pride!"  
I close my mouth and frown more.  
"Kenny. Please tell me what's wrong."  
I look at Kyle's pleading face and I feel my heart wrench as my tears spill once more. I do the one thing Kyle doesn't expect. I cling to him in a much needed embrace.  
"Kenny?" I don't answer because my answer comes in sobs. Shortly after, he hugs me back and holds me. I feel so safe and warm... and loved.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_But then that light turned to dark__  
__And I felt it fill within my heart__  
__I never knew what lay ahead__  
__But now I wish the past instead_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

By this time I was 13 and I had started dating Kyle. He was kind to me. He may have been neurotic and slightly unorthodox, but he was still my favorite redheaded Jew.  
Our friends, Stan, Eric, and Butters, knew we started dating. My own friends, Craig (sorta, he kinda hates me for getting him deported, still), Clyde, Token (he's kind of an ass), and Tweek, knew as well. Shit there wasn't anyone who **didn't** know. This includes our dads.  
Were they furious when they first found out? Oh yeah. For a while we played Romeo and Juliet, I of the Montagues and Kyle of the Capulets. Yes, Kyle was Juliet. The funniest part is that we even had a balcony scene, but that lasted all of five seconds before I fell off his vine fence... and his dad came out threatening to call the cops.  
Maybe we were in love. Or maybe it was the testosterone coursing through each of us at the time, but we liked being secretive. Eventually, though, we wanted to do things in public. So we kept seeing each other until our dads finally gave up and let us be together.  
I kinda liked it when things were secret.

My fourteenth birthday was rather disappointing. I was over at Craig's house listening to the music on his iPod. Kyle had a psychologist appointment today (for his neurotic behavior) and then tomorrow he had a doctor's appointment for his diabetes, and then the day after that I was going to a psychologist for a psychoanalysis, paid by the state of course.  
That's probably why I wasn't listening to Owl City, like usual. I was listening to Craig's sadder songs. More specifically the bands Skillet and Three Days Grace.  
"McCormick!" I look up at Craig as he plucked and ear bud from my ears. "You've been listening to that song and singing it aloud for an hour straight. Pick a new song!" I look down at the song and see it was Three Days Grace's song "Break". That explains why I felt rambunctious and rebellious.  
"Sorry Craig," I sigh glumly.  
"What's up McCormick? You hardly call me Craig. It's always 'Tucker' or 'Assmunch' with you," he lifts a brow.  
"I guess I'm feeling blue," I sigh once more. And to accentuate my point, I played Eiffel65's song "I'm Blue".  
"Really?" He looked generally pissed off. I would have laughed, but my sudden rambunctious and rebellious attitude quickly dissipated into depression. I guess he saw that I was actually sad.  
"Alright McCormick. Spill. Why are you so gloomy?" He sat down next to me and pulled off his blue and yellow fuzz ball hat. When I remained silent, he asked me another question. "It can't be because of Kyle can it?"  
I slightly nod and he sighs. "McCormick, for the love of God, you are a pathetic lump of space. Just cuz you won't see him for three days, you're sad?"  
"You're not in a relationship, Tucker. Which is no surprise," I retort bitterly. He flips me off.  
"Shut the fuck up, McCormick. Don't be such a pussy about not seeing Kyle. Worse comes to worst, you won't see him till after summer break ends next week," he frowns as I roll over and away from him.  
"Go fuck off, Assmunch." I just know he smirked when I said that.

Three years. It's been three years since Kyle and I first started dating. We were all either sixteen or seventeen at this point, but we were all juniors. And our writing test was just around the corner. Yay for proficiencies.  
"Fuck!" I curse as I walk from my Language and Composition class to the buses. I had English last.  
"What's wrong, Ken?" I look to my right and see Kyle who had just come from AP Language and Composition. The smart, sexy bastard.  
"I failed the practice writing test," I sigh exasperatedly.  
"Really? Let me see," he has his hand out and I hand him my practice test. He quickly glances it over and scrunches his face.  
"That bad?" I frown at my own inability to write a persuasive essay.  
"The grammar's horrible, the spelling's mediocre at best, and you're completely off topic," Kyle sighs. "Maybe I should tutor you."  
"I'd love that, but I have to catch the bus Mister Has-his-driving-license-already Broflovski," I smirk as he pulls me in an amorous hug.  
"Even though I can't have passengers in my car for another month, I can say you're my brother if we get pulled over," Kyle says suggestively. He knows how to make **anything **sexy.  
"I guess I'm in an incestual relationship then," I grin stupidly.  
"I guess you are," he kisses me and I can feel the love and passion behind it pouring into my body. "Now let's go and tutor you."  
"Is there a prize if I pass?" I ask and unbeknownst to Kyle, he blushes, but he has a cocky expression on his face. "I can't wait for tutoring. Let's go."

Normally when Kyle and I have sex, I'm on top. But every now and then I let Kyle top me, just because it feels good. Very good.  
Papers were scattered everywhere and music was blasting to cover up the sound of the bed creaking... and the sound of Kyle and I moaning. I was being the loudest, for sure. Why? Because I was on bottom getting my "prize"... and I wasn't complaining.  
"Ah! Kyle!" My hands clench at the bed sheets briefly before they wrap around my redheaded boyfriend's neck. My hands find his hair and curl in them. I pant as I try to keep my breath equal... and I'm failing miserably. As I feel each sensation of Kyle slamming into me, wave after wave of pleasure courses through my body. I moan once more. I know Kyle is close and so am I. We both have high libidos and our sexual energy had increased with each time we had sex.  
"Kyle!" I practically scream as the orgasm fills me up inside and bursts out in a warm blast of white. I see white spots as Kyle comes inside me. God these sensations feel great.  
We lay panting, Kyle still inside me, for a while. After the moment passes, he pulls out and lies down next to me. I turn to face him and smile. He smiles back. It was always right after sex that we were tender with each other. I close my eyes and before I know it, I'm asleep.

Time is your biggest enemy. Over times, people change. Over time, loves dies. Over time, we all die. This became my line of thinking when Kyle dumped me, a month after summer vacation ended.  
"Kyle, answer me!" I nearly shout as Kyle starts to walk away. "Why?"  
"Kenny, we have irreconcilable differences. You're a nympholeptic maniac and I want more out of a relationship than just sex" he says, not turning to face me.  
"Yet you seemed so happy whenever I fucked you," I point out, a scowl displayed on my face.  
"Sex can only go so far, Kenny! People need a little more," Kyle shouts and takes off, leaving me all alone.  
So far, senior year sucks.  
I eventually dropped out of school though, so I didn't have to see Kyle day after day (I had him for two classes). I should be used to break-ups, but this one hurt more than normal. I guess it was because Kyle was my best friend on top of being my lover. He was the light in my pretty crappy and dark life.  
I mean, I didn't have much to eat growing up. It was usually poptarts, sometimes pizza or ramen. I actually didn't mind eating poptarts everyday. On top of it, my parents were drunks that didn't have jobs. They loved us all a lot, but I was still the middle child. I still received less attention than Kevin and Karen.  
I found myself at Craig's house sometime near Christmas to hangout. I think I go to his house whenever I'm bored or depressed. In this case, it was both, which is very dangerous.  
"McCormick? What happened to you? You're never at school anymore," Craig asks as I enter his home. It wasn't until I entered his bedroom that I spoke.  
"I dropped out of school," I say simply.  
"Do you want to be white trash?!" He hisses at me and I smile slightly. He cares.  
"I see Kyle everywhere I go at school. I couldn't deal with it," I say pathetically.  
"God, McCormick. You are so hopeless," he frowns as I sit on his bed.  
"Sorry," I mumble as he hands me his iPod. I can't help but smile at the act. Do I really come over here that often? I scroll through and play "Alligator Sky" by Owl City. Oh Adam Young, why so awesome?  
"Kyle's missing out," I look up at Craig, eyes wide. He never says anything nice. "I'm serious. So what if you liked sex a lot. You were always faithful and loved him wholly. If he had told you, you probably would've consented, right?" I nod slowly and frown, the feeling of being loveless returning.  
"Am I just unlovable?" I ask aloud. I know my eyes are brimming with tears. The last time I cried, Kyle was there and I was eleven. I felt like I did back then. "Am I loveless?" I felt Craig's hand catch my tears and I couldn't help but lean in to the touch. It felt so familiar, like it belonged there.  
"Hey Craig?" I ask softly after a while. I am seventeen, but dammit, I still have fragile emotions.  
"Yeah Kenny?" He asks back just as softly. It's unlike him, but I guess he senses that I'm really upset.  
"Can I stay here for a while?" I ask. I needed to be away from home or anything that reminded me of Kyle.  
"Sure. Stay as long as you need," he mumbles.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_As time moved on, I learned to know__  
__That holding on and letting go__  
__Are different from what they seem to be__  
__Cuz by letting go, I found myself in me_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Finished!" I proclaim as I look proudly at the multiple documents open on Craig's laptop.  
"Finished with that?" The blue-and-yellow-puffball-hat-wearing male enters his room.  
"That book I started eight months ago," I grin widely as Craig drops his backpack next to the bed that we shared.  
"The one that uses persuasive techniques and multiple literary devices?" He asks for clarification.  
"Is there another?" I smirk and he grins, exasperated. In the eight months I've been here, Craig has shown more emotion than in his entire life.  
"Seriously though? How long is it?" He questions as he leans over me to look at the laptop.  
"342 pages and eighteen chapters," I smile and crack my fingers at a job well done.  
"Nice. I'll buy and read it when you publish it," he assures me.  
"You could just read it here," I say, raising a brow.  
"Yes, but you worked hard on it. I want to purchase it when it's published," he says stubbornly with a scowl.  
"Fine, fine," I chuckle and compile the documents in a folder entitled "My Book".  
"What's it going to be called?" Craig sits down on the edge of the bed behind me.  
"Tears of Blood," I say casually.  
"Nice titled for what it's about," Craig nods. "Anyways, GEDs are next week, so you need to register tomorrow, okay?"  
"Okay," I download the folder onto a USB Drive that I named 'Tears of Blood' and slip it into a packaging envelope. I seal it, put on the return address, and write the mailing address. "Craig, do you have any stamps?"  
"Which publisher are you sending it to?" The aforementioned male asks as he opens a drawer in his desk and grabs out a batch of stamps.  
"Penguin Books. I called them up this morning and told them I'd have it finished by today and sent out tonight or tomorrow morning. They're expecting it by next Thursday," I say excitedly as I put the stamp on the envelope.  
"Good for-" I turn around and kiss Craig smack on the lips before he can finish his sentence. I pull away and he looks pissed off, but he's blushing so it was obviously a front.  
"What the hell McCormick?" He growls.  
"Do you still hate me for getting you deported to Peru?" I ask him. My mind is spinning out of control.  
"Wait what?" He frowns and I know he's resisting the urge to flip me off.  
"I'm sorry I got you deported, but it was mainly Cartman's idea and I know you hate Kyle, but I did like him. On top of it-" My eyes widen as I feel lips smashed upon my own. I see Craig's blue eyes staring at me and my face turns red.  
"McCormick, you talk too much," he frowns as he pulls away and as I look at him I see it turn into a slight smile... or a smirk.  
"Tucker?" I ask for old time's sake.  
"I don't know why, but for some unknown reason I actually like you. It may be the work of God, but who knows. I like you McCormick, a lot."  
I fall silent as I look away. Am I ready for this? Another relationship? Yeah it's been almost a year since Kyle and I broke up, but still... I mean... Craig has always been there for me and he's really kind, in his own special way, but could I trust myself and trust Craig. Could I?  
"I-" The man before me cuts me off.  
"Look Kenny. I know you're still sore about Kyle, but you have to let go. He's not coming back."  
I look down and frown, my eyes stinging with the threat of tears. That alone makes my heart ache.  
"But Kenny. I'm here. You don't have to be loveless and you're not unlovable. Not at all." I look up to see a sincere look in his eyes. It's something I'm not used to. I'm used to stoic, asshole Craig. Not passionate, sincere Craig.  
"I know that Craig... and I..." I look smile slightly as I look up. Maybe I'm not as jacked up as I thought I was. "Is that why you've been so nice to me?"  
"No, it's because I'm a generally caring person. Of course that's why!" He looks at me incredulously, frowning once more.  
"You're an assmunch, Tucker," I laugh and kiss his lips once more. This time he kisses back.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_So I fell in love with one Craig Tucker__  
__He's a lover and the best fucker_


End file.
